What am I supposed to do this year?

There's the million dollar question. Concern for my health and desire to live a very long time cause me to hold back from jobs that might literally kill me. I'm trusting that if I hold a space open for the information to come, I will "intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle" me. One the one hand, that is very irresponsible in light of our current financial situation and income needs that are on the near horizon. On the other hand, I would like to be certain that what I'm doing is in alignment with the best use of my limited life and small knowledge.

I've just been working with a business name and designed a business card. Maybe that will prime the pump of creativity and help bring more ideas to the surface. I have to admit that this is very exciting as well as daunting. I've put out the question to the editor of Mandala magazine re: what are their submission requirements and are there themes selected for upcoming issues that I could work with.

A few days ago I saw 25 folding chairs listed on freecycle and immediately wrote to see if they were taken. Now there are lots of chairs available for when Phagyab Rinpoche can make it here to teach. I'm coming close to completing my Reiki master training. I've begun re-thinking my dissertation and actually writing towards that end. It feels as if I will be contributing to household finances soon and can look at paying off a lot of people and institutions.

Radical compassion as a path to healing--can it be done, at least done by me? Just the phrase has the potential to spark extremes.

Radical can be associated with images of violent events; compassion feels as soft as a kitten's tummy. How can hard and soft be joined?

Well, I can only hope that this long strange trip will continue for a very long time. Maybe then I will figure some of this out!

Day of Miracles

This is truly a "Day of Miracles"!

We are all healthy, sane, and relatively happy.

Claire's got her first dance competition of the season today, so I'm off in a few minutes to watch the teams and enjoy all the dancers.

The weather is beautiful so I will be able to get out and do a bit of gardening.

There are prayer practices to be done and recitation of the Sutra of Golden Light.

Life is good!

Cleaning out the house, literally and metaphorically...

Today is time to reflect, clean my surroundings, clean my altars and other holy objects, and cook for New Years tomorrow, Losar. It's also time to discard my previous negativities, work on removing obscurations, and do protector practices. PHAT!

Happy Dakini Day!

The switch flipped again---PHAT!

Going further down the rabbit hole

It seems that whereever I go, there I am. I look at other people around me and wonder how they function. How do all these people have lives that can be productive? How do they support themselves? How can they move through their days without being sad and numb inside. This isn't a compassionate type of sadness; it's a crazy type of sadness. About two weeks ago I was feeling up-up-up and starting to see things out of the edges of my eyes. There would be halo-like edges to things that were very distracting.  Now I'm close to a bottom that I suspect really isn't a bottom, just another challenge. I'm worried that I may not be able to pull up out of the suffering that's going on inside me. And the numbness. Today I went to bed in the middle of the afternoon. I kept tryping to focus on clearing my mind of any thoughts. I remember trying to remember Dharma but don't actually know what happened or what worked. I did go to sleep very soundly. I know this to be true because my cell phone was on the floor and my keys were in the bed, both having fallen out of my pockets. Please Mother Tara, all you Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, help me find my way up and out of this, at least for the sake of my family who has to suffer my suffering.

Using obstacles as the Path

Today's meeting with my son't advisor was difficult. He's failing classes and very resistant to receiving help. The entire meeting just degenerated into frustration for everyone present. Please Mother Tara, help me to hold him and all who are suffering with compassion and unconditional love. Help me to skillfully support him in his efforts. Please help me guard my own self-cherishing mind and examine all thoughts and actions that do not help him gain freedom from suffering. May all beings, including my troubled son, have all happiness and joy, be free from suffering, and abide in complete equanimity. Mother Tara who is the perfect refuge and source of all good, please watch over him as you do all other beings. May any merits generated from my requests and actions, both now and in the future, be dedicated to the benefit of all beings. May all their sufferings be driven into me so that they do not have to suffer. May the dharma flourish and many all inherent Buddha nature be nourished and grow.

A flash of lightening in the dark

Last night I woke several times to a flash of light. As I live near the Pacific Ocean, this area rarely gets lightening. The last time I'd seen light flash around our house my husband was taking pictures outside. The light last night, however, was strong enough to wake me. At first I thought I'd been dreaming it. Several minutes later there was another flash.

Immediately I felt myself draw down under the covers. My groggy mind thought, "There's someone outside with a light flashing it into the window." Fear was automatic; was there someone outside trying to break in? A faint rumble in the distance affirmed that the flash was lightening and not a prowler.

A voice immediately spoke up. "I you are afraid of this illusion then how will you be able to navigate your death without fear, with the confidence required to be unafraid of the illusions that will appear and skillfully navigate the bardo to a new and fortunate rebirth?"

The time I am devoting to practice and Ngondro seems to be planting seeds, rehabituating my thoughts. Without Dharma I suffer. With Dharma I apply the medicine to reduce my suffering. With Dharma practiced for all sentient beings I experience joy. It's as simple as that...

May all beings be free from suffering and its causes, have all joy & happiness and their causes, and experience equanimity.

Sarva Mangalam!

Rain Retreat

It's been over a month since I "started" the Tara retreat. By started, I mean that my intention to do Tara practice at least three times a day was clear but the follow-through hasn't been what I expected. Instead, for the first month I've done what Lama Yeshe called a "research retreat." Not that this is a bad thing--especially for me--but it isn't what I now see as an unrealistic expectation on the front-end that probably would not have been as satisfying as where I'm moving towards today.

Rather than blindly recite all the praises to Tara I really dug into the background and meaning of the verses. I am by no means an expert now, but I do feel a small amount of understanding when I recite the practices. In addition, my explorations have opened me to new discoveries. I realize that how I did many practices in the past was very, very faulty. I won't beat myself up about this because at least I was trying at the level I was at then. Now my practices are faulty but every day I learn a bit more that helps me gain small insights into how profound and beautiful the Dharma is. It is truely the medicine that heals all suffering!

Where I began blogging (feebly, I must say) to be able to record my thoughts and things that happen, now I feel much more inclined to keep this to myself. I can say that I am starting my Ngondro practices now. For probably 15 years I've said that some day I'd like to do Ngondro. Ha, ha! Well, what's wrong with today? Yesterday I got up off my fanny and began seriously to accumulate prostrations and refuge recitations.

Something I read that Lama Yeshe had advised helped me do this. He's said to always start a retreat the evening before you plan to start. That way you have everything you need together, you've gone through the practice one time, and when you get up the next day it seems a little easier. That seems to be working for me in a lot of ways. By applying just a little more push in the evening, I find that I can roll the rocks easier the next day.

Observing special practice days has been very helpful and ultimately meaningful. Feeding the birds daily and walking my dog are helping, too. I'm happy with what I have.

As rain pelts the tree out my window,

A lone squirrel on a branch looks in,

Eyes seeking, perhaps asking?

Compassion washes my heart.