It seems that whereever I go, there I am. I look at other people around me and wonder how they function. How do all these people have lives that can be productive? How do they support themselves? How can they move through their days without being sad and numb inside. This isn't a compassionate type of sadness; it's a crazy type of sadness. About two weeks ago I was feeling up-up-up and starting to see things out of the edges of my eyes. There would be halo-like edges to things that were very distracting. Now I'm close to a bottom that I suspect really isn't a bottom, just another challenge. I'm worried that I may not be able to pull up out of the suffering that's going on inside me. And the numbness. Today I went to bed in the middle of the afternoon. I kept tryping to focus on clearing my mind of any thoughts. I remember trying to remember Dharma but don't actually know what happened or what worked. I did go to sleep very soundly. I know this to be true because my cell phone was on the floor and my keys were in the bed, both having fallen out of my pockets. Please Mother Tara, all you Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, help me find my way up and out of this, at least for the sake of my family who has to suffer my suffering.
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